Problem misguided Love

Individual category
By: Jacinta F. Rini
Jakarta, 16 November 2011

Immature people falling in love destroy each other's freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness

(OSHO)

The above sentence deliberately to show the contrast and cause shock to those who had been considered love as a static object that will continue to do so all the time, or something that will achieve when married. This understanding has brought many disappointments in pairs or family life. One study published in the online news show in 2010 the divorce rate reached record highs during the last 5 years ie 285 184 (Source: Director General Badilag MA, Great Wahyu). Various reasons behind divorce, ranging from jealousy factor, economic problems, disharmony until the political problems that seem increasingly contributed to scatter marriage.

In addition, the number of cases of domestic violence (domestic violence) in Indonesia from year to year also increased, as seen from reports from various regions in Indonesia, each showed significant improvement. For example, Head of Women's Empowerment Child Protection and Family Planning (BP3AKB) Java Soelaimah said, violence in 35 districts / cities in 2010 reached 2829 and 1234 until the first half of 2011 recorded cases. In other areas such as Tegal, Tuban, Makassar, Papua, and even Jakarta, are also fairly high level of domestic violence. Some of the underlying reasons are economic factors, alcohol, lack of education and early childhood factors. According to the Plan, 44% of domestic violence cases with high frequency, experienced women who marry at an early age, while 56% of women experiencing domestic violence in low frequency, and the report indicates the number of child marriages (13-18 years). Cultural factors, social issues - economic, sexual behavior and unwanted pregnancy, lack of knowledge about reproduction, low parental education, and weak law enforcement an issue that led to the early marriage. The question is, what exactly happens when starting a relationship? whether the relationship is based on love is bound to everlasting? Is the relationship not lasting because there is no love? Such questions often arise in the thinking and assumptions. Let us study together.

There are several types of love in various versions and definitions of the experts which can be downloaded as well as learn through a variety of books. Therefore, in this article we will discuss the kind of love, and its manifestations, but will limit the discussion to the issue of marital problems.

It needs love to make to the make two Become one

The sentence above could be true, but it can also be a mistake to interpret it narrowly and superficially. Therefore, the meaning of love does not stop at the pleasure of something, someone or the opposite sex (boyfriend, future husband or future wife). CS. Lewis categorize feeling "happy and love" at the lowest level of the degree of intensity of love, joy and love arises because there are similarities between the two parties, both love watching movies, love the same music group, have the same favorite eating place, 'm liking the same activities, whether it be a demonstration or participate equally a supporter of a movement. The strength and duration of feeling like this is very weak because it is situational and temporary, and the relationships formed on the basis of a feeling of love is also vulnerable because they do not have a problem solid foundation. Meanwhile, many people who decide to marry on the basis of the quantity of similarity, since the rationality of both parties blocked by emotion and fantasy fairy tale "happily ever after".

During this time many people commonly think love is a product manufacturer and is one for all. When there is love between two human beings, then all problems completed or will be completed. Unfortunately many of them forget that the definition of love is used as a reference for quality assessment and future relations, is a feeling of "joy and pleasure". For Scott Peck in his book The roadless Travelled, love is not a feeling, but the real action "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Motivation and action to make yourself and others who "love" grow, to become a person who has a true identity and fulfill their calling, it was called love. And because of that, love is impossible to restrain, colonize, oppress, restrict, manipulate, eliminating the independence of humanity let alone eliminate a loved one. "It is about giving the other person what they need to grow."

Personal Maturity, Maturity Love

From the definition of love Scott Peck seen that people can love, certainly not the people who are still stuck in egocentrism and selfishness, but is willing and able to do for others. When people express love, but in daily actions, demanding, restrain, prohibit, imprison humanity partner, then it is not love, but conditioning / conditioning to get people to meet their needs, whether it's physical needs (eating, drinking, sexual, etc.) and psychologically (to be noticed, recognized, admired, worshiped, etc.). Here is a lot going misnomer, when the couple being nrimo, silence became even more fearful and obedient, and the "suffering for love". This misnomer make many long suffering, especially on the side of women (some men), not just destroy marriage itself, but also destroying the souls and every person in it, like himself as well as children (those who have had a child ). Love is not invaded.

Because love is not a feeling of sheer romance, the maturity ultimately play a role in determining what kind of love he gave to others, be it family or community. The more mature a person, the more his love grow up; so as to produce a mature love and the fruit of a mature love yourself and others, then one must go through the process of maturation. Scott Peck says in The roadless Travelled, a person becomes mature and mature, through a gradual process and all it requires self-discipline training in some elements, namely:

1. Delaying gratification, delayed gratification / now for the good in the future. Terms Indonesia, sore first fun later. Concretely, every decision whether it is a relationship (with all the levels and actions) and the family, based on the question whether the motivation. Is it because wanted to satisfy any who want to satisfy your urge for no rational reason or another is good and of great benefit to both parties (the size is growing and maturing both sides).

2. Acceptance of responsibility, responsibility for choices and decisions yourself. What's included in it is realized that everyone had a hand in creating the problem at hand, have experienced or will occur. It all started with the attitude of self-selection. And generally, when there are problems tend to blame other people, problems, situations and conditions than introspection. Corollary, consider yourself as a helpless victim of circumstances to take control of life. Sadly because some people see this process as a twist of fate and destiny that he was born to serve and suffer for a loved one. In fact, the fate of love is not. Love is liberating and liberation, as an expression of Oslo, a contemporary philosopher, at the very top of this article.

Accept responsibility here have a logical consequence, to make each person to be careful, not to liberate ourselves from creating applications for personal occupation. Quoting Erich Fromm said, no freedom without responsibility, there is no freedom without responsibility. If you want to date or marry, divorce or even to survive in the existing problems, so any thoughts, decisions and actions should be considered the extent to which we are able to be responsible for the implications, both for themselves, their families, parents, children, spouses, in-laws, our workplace, etc..

3. Dedication to the truth, always seeking and finding the truth. Intoxicated or bitterness, clarity can be a barrier to see the reality and truth. Negative self-concept (consider yourself no good, ugly, a lot of sin, worthless, not pretty, not luck, etc.) is also a barrier because of the negativity that's the reality of color the way we view the world.

Prolonged domestic violence cases make the victims believe that he deserved and worthy in contempt and wasted because worthless. Therefore, the victims do not dare to break away from the abuser because they do not believe there is a place that can accept the presence, or not sure of themselves strong live without abuser. Scott Peck said, if the soul of man wants to grow, remove yourself from the prejudices, stereotypes, prejudice that distorts the truth. Open attitude, dare stare reality, even accepting that there is truth and other facts that could undermine the courage and conviction - why we fear that if that actually sets us free. The truth will set you free.

4. Balancing & flexible, to be more balanced and flexible. Maturity and maturity will be experienced when we are ahead. Instead, everything was too rigid, both in terms of thought, conscience and relationships, inhibiting the progression of yourself and others as well as the relationship itself. Imagine a relationship filled with fear, rules, restrictions, limitations, suspicion, suppression, oppression, would not grow anything good; emerging is negative, such as fear, anger, bitterness, boredom, dissatisfaction, loneliness and emptiness that plagued the soul . There will be no joy in a rigid relationship, but as well as the relationships that are not rooted and committed, because they are not based on love, but fear.

Back to the issue of love ending sorrow, especially tragedy, it can be concluded that the condition of personal immaturity caused assume that having, hire, serve, pay for, provide for, and proof of love is love itself. In fact, it is not the syllogism. For clarity, let us refer to the expression of love from Mother Theresa

It is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give,
but how much love we put in the giving

So let's ask yourself, am I doing it all for love? What we've done so far has been liberated and cultivate ourselves and our loved ones?

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